Every once and a while I'll do something really stupid that will make me take a step backwards when dealing with the loss of my sister. And while I realize that I will have good days and bad days I also realize that I cannot shelter myself from things. A couple weeks ago I tried watching Intervention for the first time. I didn't last long and DH finally turned the channel after telling me I was dumb! I couldn't argue. It wasn't so much the story that got me but the fact that Nancy's story was considered for Intervention and we never pursued it. I don't dare question anyone's decision not to move on it because that won't help any of us and it won't change the outcome of the situation.
Anyways, tonight I started a book that I found at the local library that I wanted to read last year already but couldn't find in an electronic format. I started it tonight. Kinda a mistake but I'm gonna finish it. Its written for parents of addicts who lose their children and it helps them in the loneliness of losing a child because of the stigma attached to addiction and the pure ignorance of people who do not understand that addiction is not a choice, its a disease. It took me back to the first weeks that Nancy died. And it was so true. The whispers and assumptions about if it was actually an overdose, how people didn't know what to say to you about what I might be going through because she had made those decisions and what did I think would happen to her if she continued to use drugs. What no one understands is that while the addict is fighting their own battles, knowing they need to get clean, but still struggling with the issues that made them an addict in the first place, there are family members that would do anything and everything to get them better even though they are at their witts end and then when your person is gone you deal with the extreme guilt. But the ignorance that most have about addiction prevents people from speaking to you about your loss in the same manner as losing an Uncle to cancer or your Great-Grandmother to a heart attack.
So while mabye people are embarrased to talk about a friend or a relatives addiction, I am not. For many reasons. Just because my sister was an addicted didn't mean I loved her any less. It didn't mean that she wasn't still a beautiful soul and it didn't mean that she wanted to live the way she was because I know that no matter how many times I played the tough ass, don't pull any shit role with her to try and make her see things my way, I know she didn't want to live the way she was. I know that if she got into the right frame of mind she may have found her way.
So at the end of the day when I realize that its been 2 or 3 days since I've cried because my heart is hurting OR my daughter does something that screams Nancy, I know that my sister lived her life the way she wanted to, the best way she knew how considering the circumstances and that she touched the hearts of everyone she came into contact with. I know that if the shoe were on the other foot and someone trashed talked me, she'd be kicking their asses because she loved me no matter how many times I told her what she didn't want to hear because that was the type of person she was.
So, back I go to my book. Knowing that if I can help one person stay away from drugs or stop doing drugs or whatever, then I've done something to help someone. Maybe not the person that I really needed and wanted to help but someones daughter, son, brother, sister, whatever. No matter who they were and no matter what addiction they had, they were still loved, regardless with no judgment. Remember, before you judge, before you point fingers you must first know the story and try to help. If you aren't willing to help or offer words of encouragment, then you shouldn't judge. And remember, there is a fine line between mending and breaking.
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